I am a victim of crime...

because I was mugged on my way to sing at church on Sunday. Literally 1/2 block away from the front door of Immaculate Conception on 8th and N, a teenager grabbed me, said, "Give up your purse, bitch," hit me in the neck, and ran away. Not only did he get my bag, palm pilot, Aveda Lip Saver, and wallet, but he knocked my fresh Gingerbread Latte out of my hand. My only consolation is that he only got $1 after publicly assaulting me...A passerby tried to chase him down in his jeep, but the young man who relieved me of my possessions ducked into an alley somewhere. And honestly, what sort of legitimate criminal is out and about at 9:30 on a Sunday morning? All joking aside, it is very upsetting that this kid was a kid, and that he felt the need to call me a bitch and hit me to get my bag. I was actually looking up to say hello to him before he attacked me, so filled am I with the holiday spirit. Son of a bitch.
But on a different note, I just saw a story on the news about an aspiring model who hired a hitman to kill four men who she thought were cocaine dealers with a huge stash (she wanted to sell the coke herself to make money for modeling school). Turns out, the hitman was an undercover cop, and the coke stash was a block of cheese. Yes, cheese.